Into the Shadows (again)

 That moment when you really know that your fear is true. 

That they are doing it in purpose. It hurts, but you were a bit more ready for it. You have been preparing your self for that knife to the heart for the last month and a half. 

They do not know and might not know what it means to me. But I can see their double standards, and quite frankly it hurts me. 

But it doesn't matter anymore. 

It is not the first time they have not chose me. To spend time with me. To be with me. 

I do not think I have failed as a sister or as aunt. And yes, I did have expectations for them, that they are not meeting. It is my fault to have expectations. It is my fault to believe that I could be close by being away.

I will fade away again. 

Fade into the shadows where I belong.

Blood is not the only thing that makes you family. 

I chose myself this year. I chose to enjoy my life. Even if that means that I have to chose to let go of that part of me that kept me connected. 

I am not Lonely (yes, this has a different meaning as I am trying to say a Spanish female name translated to English) which means I am not important. 

Anyway, having a month to prepare myself for this has helped me to not cry today. 

And again, prepares me to go back into the shadows. Seems that I wasn't made to be one of them.