My world is falling apart.

 I just returned from an incredible life experience to find out that my whole world is falling apart and I just can't take it anymore.

I am just waiting in agony for the final knife to the heart. Waiting for an end that I am sure it will come. Because again, I am the one that nobody wants in their lives. The broken one. 

And the worst thing is that I can't blame him. I have not made anything easy. So of course there is resentment. He hates me. And no fucking wonder why. I was a horrible person to deal with, completely dependent and annoying as fuck, so even if I am becoming a stronger person now, it all came too late. I already have ruined someone else's life. That is how my brain feels it. There is nothing I can do. Just wait here for the inevitable death.  I understand him, and I understand his feelings, and quite frankly, I wouldn't even deal with me if I was him. 

I would have to fully start again, with a cero support circle, no longer any friends, nothing close to a family, It would just be me and the cat, trying to start again. At least I have the cat this time. I would need to think about where to go next, where to move, and where to give myself another chance in life to not screw everything up again. Either that or finally take the cowardly route. At least and by a very weird chance, I have found the way to go, and what would I need to leave this world. Finally, a piece of useful knowledge in a weird conversation leaving Petra. If that would end up being the case, I would need to leave the cat to someone I know she will be happy with. 

Nothing really matters anymore. Once again, I am not loved. I thought it was a good time and some of my favourite memories are now just coming back as nightmares. Deep inside, I know he will just leave me. Find his own happiness and move on. I am just waiting for that moment.